If Only...

I recently had the experience of witnessing a young person standing up for her beliefs against a strong adult.  While she initially felt good that she had defended herself, she later regretted having done so, as she felt this had made the difference in her ability to achieve the position she was seeking.  I witnessed her pain when the news was delivered, watched as she struggled to accept how the events had played out, and listened as she spoke those words so many of us have uttered, ‘If only…’  

And so I struggled.  I wanted to tell her that compromising who she is to attain something is not worth the trade.  I wanted to tell her she was beautiful and perfect just the way she was.  I wanted to tell her this didn’t define her, but would help her grow.  I wanted to tell her everything would be okay, though she felt her world had just collapsed.  Instead, I told her that this just meant there was a better opportunity more suited to her in the future.  She nodded in agreement, but I could tell that though she appreciated the words, they didn’t have the healing effect I had hoped.  So then I embraced what she was truly feeling and said, ‘But it still hurts.’  

With this simple statement, this verbal acknowledgment of what she was feeling, she took a deep breath, let it out slowly, relaxed her shoulders, and with a small smile, said ‘Yes, it does.’  

With that simple exchange, she reminded me of how important it is to witness what someone is experiencing and not dismiss it.  To not deflect unwanted emotions, even when we are not experiencing them directly. Not an easy thing to do, as it is hard enough to lean into our own discomfort.  But when we deny what we feel, the feeling strengthens in response, almost as if it is demanding some attention or awareness.  When we acknowledge and embrace our feelings, even those that make us feel uncomfortable, we give them a chance to speak and heal.  Likewise, as we listen or see another person’s experience, it is not our place to deny what is uncomfortable or to judge the experience; rather, our place is to witness. To acknowledge and allow what is, so that it may inform us of what the next steps may be.  

Here is to embracing the unwanted and finding healing on your heartfelt journey! ~♥~

Time doesn't heal everything. Acceptance does. ~Unknown~

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